one thousand petals.

you are me. i am you. this is not evil, nor good. we are one. we have always existed. this has always been equal. this has not been full or empty. this has been.

we have never stepped a foot into the room. we are everything that is room. we expand and contract. we are whole & circumcised.

that cloud? we find home in that cloud. that waterfall is us. we are everything that has been, and everything which could not be seen or grasped.

there is no longer a you or me. there is no us or them. there is just the nothing that has always been. all that is, is existence without being alone. there is it. there is found the temple.

there are no molecules to confine. there is no carcass left with emotions. where there once was a heartbeat, it has been replaced by the silence. the silence is what resides after realization. time and space have never existed. there is no contradiction.

the play is over. the curtain has dropped. please, in a safe manner, follow the way to the exit sign.

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sweetheart.

once, i made her a bouquet out of leaves. weeds that looked like babies breath mixed with hope. i cared the way only a fifteen year old boy can care.

i wanted to answer the bakelite. the black and heavy rotary phone. there needed to be news of our engagement.

i thought i could be the one. i needed her as my wife. white dress & bow ties.

she was all the things i liked. she was my manna from the sky that you danced in and did not eat. she weaved her way forever into my past. something that was good in my life.

high school sweetheart, i used to carry your books from classroom to classroom, so proud to be next to your side. you gave me my first rose, high school sweetheart.

high school sweetheart, you must become a ghost. i must leave you hidden in a book. letters secretly taped to the backs of mirrors, left to chance.

thanks for the years. thanks for the teen angst. thanks for the ankh.

not more pet names for you. i always knew you’d come back. i just didn’t think you’d come back with a ring.

bathed in merlot.

drink wine. eat fine foods, rich with life.

most of all, woo women. make your member happy. bring smiles galore. fuck with everything.

taste it in the wind of a november midnight. huddle with her. split cigarettes. let her know how special she is. walk beside her. practice patience and passion. always treat her as you did during your courtship. never forget to hold her hand. let her become the first day of the rest of your life.

be bold and present the head of john the baptist on a silver platter.

time heals not.

it’s been three years without you. it feels like it’s been a millennia. i don’t know how i’ve managed to make it this far with you not by my side.

i made you cry. i made you smile. you did the same for me.

there is nothing in the world that i wouldn’t do to see you again. i’d gladly give my life for only one more minute with you.

i’d hug and tell you all the apologies i could in sixty seconds. one last minute to see that incredibly hard smile to create.

i’d hold your hand and kiss you on the cheek.

we’d slam one last busch light and smoke one more l&m.

i will always praise your part in my life. the seed that made a man. eventually.

thank you for everything you taught me. thank you for taking care of me. thank you for loving me. thank you for everything.

you were, and always will be my GOAT.

sleep well, my dear friend.

money says.

i’m putting my money down that she forgot me. it’s that or she didn’t care, and that hurts much more. i’m just going to say she forgot our songs, forgot the words we wrote to each other, forgot the way my hand felt. forgot the taste of my lips and the smell of my shampoo. she forgot.  i’m putting money down because, that i can stand to lose, just not her.

i’m putting money down because you can always make more, and there is only one of her. because words are just letters without her and not children. because rooms are empty when she is not near.

my tongue hurts saying her name in the dark. yet, I will continue to so. i’ll continue until my tongue is raw and cracked. i’ll continue until my heart beats no more. it is hers. she will always own it.

amen.

we were once kids.

we all have those smells of dirt, summer fields, and blisters.

those songs, mohawks, and carnival rides. when cars were automobiles, and you wore a tie for a flight. pull tabs & cheap malt liquor.

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we were all once kids.

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never forget that.